Stuperhero Extraordinaire

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11/08/2007

Stuck

I forced myself to go to a meeting on Thursday. You have no idea how hard that was, it was a huge group and I didn't know anyone. But, it was a good meeting and I'm glad I went.

I feel like I'm stuck at a crossroads. I can go on living my life the way I have been and never get any better, just slip back into hell over and over again, or I can do something to change my life, work to better myself and grow as a person. I know what I want to do, but do I want it badly enough? Cuz it's going to take some hard work and I'll have to start making different choices, hard choices, and I'm having trouble moving forward. I'm just stuck here, looking at where I'm headed and wanting to change direction, but I can't seem to force myself to take action.

I mean, I've already taken some action. I went to AA and that was a big step. I didn't go to the liquor store last night like I desperately wanted to. That was a good choice. But, I need to do a whole lot more and I'm afraid. Very afraid. At least with the pain and shit that I've been going through it's familiar, I know what is what. But if I'm going to make fundamental changes in my life, that means facing the dreaded unknown and that is fucking scary.

It's been so much easier just to be stagnated and stuck hiding from the world. Or maybe it isn't easier. Maybe I'm just making things worse with my procrastination and avoidance. In fact, I'm sure I am but somehow it seems easier just to stay stuck. It's what I know.

But I'm so tired of being here, being stagnant. Though I couldn't admit it to msyelf for a long time, I'm miserable here and need to do something to change it. I'm tired of being alone and miserable and alienating the people around me. It's like I so much want someone to be there for me, but all I do is push them away.

But, I have to realize that change takes action. I'm used to just letting life happen to me and then dealing with whatever chaos it throws my way. That really fucking sucks. It's not the way I want to live anymore. At least that's what I keep telling myself in the hopes that I will finally get up and do something to change the way I live. I can talk about the changes I have to make all I want, but it doesn't do me any good if I choose to do nothing.

:::sigh:::

I just wish someone had a magic wand and could wave away all of my troubles. But, I have this feeling that isn't going to happen. Bummer dude. Does it ever get easier?

Well, I'm off to clean or read my Big Book or something.

Laters!

18:39 Posted in Blather | Permalink | Email this

Comments

power to u my friend. Hang in there. I will talk to u soon as i get my phone. Im flying tonight to indianapolis. I will call you once I find a phone. Do drop me your number if you find the time.
love
G

Posted by: g | 12/08/2007

I'm almost falling over I'm that tired, but I have to reply to this post first.
I have no idea what your life is like, I've never read your blog before and I'm a bit too sleepy to do much reading now. Still, you mentioned AA - not knowing you I have no idea if their program will work for you. I just wanted to tell you about a group I heard of awhile back called Moderation Management.
http://www.moderation.org/
They aren't in competition with AA, and some people have gone from one to the other with no grudges or whatnot. The general MM idea is to back off the drinking, no quicker than you can manage (after all, how many drinkers and smokers feel like crap for not quiting cold turkey and then drink or smoke because of the feeling?) until you can reasonably tackle 30 days abstinence. Then you can decide what your definintion of failure is - that is, how much you can drink.

I remember hearing of it mostly because they don't preach - Pagans, Atheists, and Agnostics alike are welcome to work on their drinking problem without being told to put their faith in God. I've never been a drinker, am in fact too young for that *just* yet, but having been Atheist, Agnostic, and Pagan, in various different orders, knowing the group exists made me pretty darn happy.

Sorry about the confused state of my rambling sentences. Like I said already, Very Tired.
Whatever Path works for you, good luck. I hope that whatever Deity exists, they listen in and make things easier for you.

Posted by: Cleo462 | 13/08/2007

Thanks for the info and the well wishes Cleo!

Posted by: Raven | 13/08/2007

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