Stuperhero Extraordinaire

Moving

noreply@blogspirit.com (Raven) — Fri, 7 Sep 2007 14:58:11 +0000

Okay, I'm having loads of trouble with this Blogspirit site so I'm moving to Blogger. Here is my new web page.....

StuperheroExtraordinaire.blogspot.com

Ah Ha!

noreply@blogspirit.com (Raven) — Thu, 6 Sep 2007 17:11:16 +0000

No, I haven't slipped into the Seventh Circle of Hell. Nor have a been kidnapped by insane beauticians for my lack of fashion sense. I've just been alternating between being very busy and being way avoidy.

There has been so much going on with school, and the Drunken Midgets starting school, and me spending two billion dollars on back to school stuff, it's just been crazy insane. It's making me even more insane than I usually am. I'm currently waiting for the men in white jackets to come remove me and place me in a room where the walls are covered with rubber. They should be here any minute. Until then I'll just bore you to death.

So, I don't remember if I mentioned it or not, but the youngest Drunken Midget found a baby robin who's mother had been squished and, being the friend and caretaker to all, she brought it home. And with me being a sucker for both children and animals, I let her keep it. Well, now the damn thing is full grown and flying and pooping all over my house. She especially likes to cuddle with me in my bed, forcing me to wash my damn sheets every other day. Of course, the youngest has tired of her and doesn't watch her, clean up after her, or feed her anymore, which leaves the care of this damn thing up to me. Go figure. So, now I have to find a Wildlife Refuge or something for this robin. And the worst part is that since it imprinted on me, I'm going to miss the little bugger.

Damn bird.

I registered for Fall Semester the other day and have Business Communications (how is that different from Business Writing, which I have now?), Composition, and Health Care Law and Ethics. Another thrilling semester of totally boring classes I'll have to drag myself every Tuesday and Thursday.

And of course because I'm so damn broke I haven't been able to pay Argosy what I owe them they won't transfer my records to MSB, so I have no idea what will transfer over. I'm so damn tired of people that keep harrassing me for my money. It's like, don't they realize that if I could, I would pay them in a New York Minute just to get them off my fucking back? But, no, they somehow think that I'm just rolling in the dough but refuse to pay them and call to harrass me a thousand times a day.

So, I've been reading a ton of books on Recovery and going to five meetings a week. It's eough to make a girl want to drink again, let me tell you. (Too late)

I've also been reading a bunch of books on Buddhism, which are pretty good, but I'm a little lost in regards to some of their doctrine. I'm hoping that the more I read on it, the more I'll understand it. Not that I want to be a Buddist but they have many techniques on how to tame the mind and be at peace that I think will be helpful to me. My mind is forever spinning and so out of control that I could really use the help.

So, I'm fairly sure that even though they have some principles that can help me, I don't want to be a Buddhist so that leaves me wondering what the hell I do want to be? By process of elimination I've decided what I don't want to be, so what the hell do I want to be? I'm thinking I should just start my own damn religion and call it the Heinz 57 Religious Experience, cuz I find something useful out of every religion I study. Why not take what I like out of all of them and start my own? Cuz, really, I haven't found one that works for me yet. Paganism is about as close as I can get to adhering to a particular religion, but even that leaves me wanting in some respects.

So, I'm kinda stuck spiritually and dissatisfied with life in general and am pretty ready to go on a shooting spree. I'm damn sure that if I eliminate certain people I will be doing the Universe a huge favor. But then, considering I'm Pro Gun Control, that might not work so well for me.

At least, for the most part I'm Pro Gun Control, but my ex best friend made a good point when she said, If you outlaw guns, then the Government will be the only one with the firepower, and we all know how fucked up the Government can be. So, I'm torn on that issue as well, like I'm torn on most things in life.

I just don't know what I believe anymore. Nor do I even know who I am. I feel lost and completely stuck.

So, that's where I've been lately, in case you were wondering.

Much love to all my buddies and friends out in cyberspace.

Laters!

Raven

Save Me From Myself

noreply@blogspirit.com (Raven) — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 09:11:59 +0000

I feel restless, dissatisfied, agitated and overwhelmed. And paralyzed. Absolutely paralyzed. It's like there's so much to do I'm just frozen and can't do any of it. Fuck. And it's not like the Drunken Midgets are doing anything to help matters any. I'm so tired of everything falling on me and having no one to help me with any of it. I've been raising kids on my own since I was 19 and I am so tired of being a single parent.

I'm just sick of my life in general. Yet, I don't know what to do to change it, other than what I'm already doing anyway. Don't use. Go to meetings. I keep hearing and reading that, but I'm doing just that and nothing seems to be changing. It makes a girl thirsty, if you catch my drift.

So, I haven't been blogging much on this blog latey cuz it's the same shit day in and day out and I bitch enough about it on my other blog. It's not like I have anything new to say.

K, well I'm off to read.

Laters!

Patient My Ass!

noreply@blogspirit.com (Raven) — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 08:37:10 +0000

Wow, we are having a major storm right now. It's raining, windy, and hailing like crazy! I like a good thunderstorm now and then, but this is insane.

Not much going on here. I have school today, which I'm dreading like the plague. My classes are so mind numbingly boring I could scream. But, I will drag myself there and type and listen to the lecture and not gouge my eyes out with a pen. I'm really hating school right now, in case you can't tell.

The Drunken Midgets are doing well. They are very excited to be starting school next week, and I am thrilled too. I will have my house back again! Yay!!! I love them dearly, but let me tell you, they are driving me crazy!

My meetings have been going well. I have met some really nice people and I'm slowly learning how to live life without chemicals. It's hard, but worth it. I'm trying to be patient and remind myself I haven't been sober for that long, but I'm a little frustrated that my life is still a bit unmanageable. But, admiting I am powerless over drugs and alcohol wasn't a magic wand that miraculously waved all my troubles away. The problems are still there, but hopefully they will start to get better and I'll be able to handle them better sober. I just have to be patient I guess.

Patience has never been easy for me. I'm an addict damn it, I want instant gratification! I want it NOW!

And they say that the reward of patience is... more patience. What's up with that? You mean I don't get the Grand Prize behind door number three? If I'm going to have to patiently wait for something I want a damn parade in return! It's only fair!!!

But, as my father was very fond of pointing out to me, Life isn't fair.

Fuck.

Who made up that rule?

Saw some pretty good bumper stickers the other day...

I found Jesus. He's drunk in my backseat.

I found Jesus. Have you seen my car keys?

I found Jesus. Will you guys quit losing him?

K, well, that's all I got for now.

Laters!

Long Way to Go

noreply@blogspirit.com (Raven) — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 09:00:34 +0000

My life has been so uneventful, I don't even know what to say. It's been school, the kids, and meetings all week. Nothing very exciting. I'm settling into a routine with my meetings and have one for every day of the week except Wednesdays. My favorite ones being on Mondays and Tuesdays. Those are my home groups.

I've been reading like crazy, lots of good books on Recovery. Right now I'm reading A Place Called Self, which is really good so far. Other than that, not much going on. Just working on myself and trying to keep my head above water.

School is really getting to me, my classes are so very boring. I'm hoping that for next semester I have some more interesting ones.

In a couple more weeks I see my therapist for the first time. It's a man, I've never had a male therapist before, so we shall see how that goes. If I don't like him I can always switch to another one. I'm anxious to get in and see him and get started working on my issues, I have quite a few of them. It's going to be a long haul, but it will be worth it. I just wish I didn't have to wait so long to see him.

I'm feeling very tense and agitated this morning. I'm trying to be mindful and just enjoy the peace and quiet of my morning, but I'm having a hard time doing that. I have so much running through my head, I can't seem to quiet my mind. I have a long to do list, and I don't want to do any of it. You should see my pile of laundry, it's HUGE. It's going to take me forever, and cost me a fortune to do it all.

So, I'm on steps 2 & 3 in my program, which have to do with turning my life over to my Higher Power. I'm still struggling to figure out what I believe about God. I don't adhere to any particular religion, I'm taking bits and pieces from many different ones, mostly Paganism and Buddhism.

I feel kind of lost spiritually. I sort of miss the absolute black and whiteness of Christianity, but just can't stomach a lot of what is in the Bible. I feel like a woman without a spiritual home. I don't know exactly what I believe about God, and I think a part of me is afraid to follow a particular religious path because I'm afraid it will be the wrong one and God will let me down again. Does that make any sense at all?

But I'm spiritually hungry, and I don't know where to turn. I have this void in me that I used to fill with chemicals, but now it's just there, waiting to devour me. I feel empty and long to be complete. So, I'm just taking it day by day and praying that God will reveal herself to me and grant me faith.

Well, I'm off to read some more.

Laters!

Can I Use Your Toaster?

noreply@blogspirit.com (Raven) — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 11:31:01 +0000

I am in a much better mood today than I have been the last few days. I've been so crabby and no fun to be around, but today I feel much better. I've been averaging about five to six meetings a week, which has been great, and I've met a bunch of wonderful people. I went to my favorite meeting last night, a women's Step and Tradition meeting, and talked to the woman who may become my sponsor. I am very grateful to AA for helping me to find some semblance of serenity in my life.

I've been reading books on Recovery every chance I get. I'm trying to immerse myself in Recovery materials in the hopes that sobriety will stick this time. I've had periods of sobriety before, but wasn't as serious about it as I am this time, so hopefully that will make a difference.

The Drunken Midgets are getting excited for school to start, and I am thrilled beyond belief that in a couple weeks I'll have my house back during the day. I love them dearly, but they are starting to drive me insane. I came home from school yesterday to the youngest just sobbing cuz her sister had hit her for being bossy or some such reason. That was fun. NOT! I just love coming home to a fight.

And I have to get my lazy ass up off the couch soon and start picking up cuz the cleaning lady is coming today. It should only take an hour to get it picked up, but I'm not looking forward to it. I hate cleaning.

I am utterly and completey exhausted. I've been waking up really, really early, like at 2:30 in the morning, and not able to get back to sleep. It really sucks. But, it's given me plenty of time to read, that's for sure. I want to go to the bookstore today and pick up a book I saw on Buddhism and Recovery, but I'm not sure if I'll get up there or not. I have two appointments for me today, and the eldest has a violin lesson and a doctor's appointment today, so I'll be pretty busy.

I drink way too much coffee. And I've been smoking like a chimney. I really have to cut down on both of those things. Every time I start to run low on smokes I think, Maybe I'll quit today, but then the Drunken Midgets start fighting or a bill collector calls and I'm off to the store for more. Besides, it was hard enough to quit using, I think I'll save quitting smoking and caffeine for another day.

So, I will continue vibrating into other dimensions for a bit longer.

I am so fucking bored. I could be doing homework but it's not even 6:30 in the morning yet, and that's just way too damn early to do homework. But it would be nice to get it over with. I have to write a business letter about, get this, pigeons who were poisoned by the Hilton, of all things. Go figure.

In other news, I have to call to register for fall semester today. Starting in October I'll be up to full time. But, I will always have Friday's off as they don't have class on those days, so that will be nice. I'm hoping I don't have to take all business classes next sem cuz they are so very boring. I'm dying in Keyboarding and Business Writing. They are the most boring classes on the planet.

It is so damn humid outside. I'm so sick of heat and humidity. This weekend it was nice and cool and I didn't even have to have the air on, which was nice as my electric bill was close to $200 last month. But, it did rain this weekend, which threw my pain into overdrive. Yet, I do like the rain. Especially on days when I can sleep in. I love to curl up in bed and listen to the rain as I fall asleep. And we needed the rain badly, it's been so dry this summer.

K, well, I'm off to read some more.

Laters!

Life Is Good

noreply@blogspirit.com (Raven) — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 09:39:22 +0000

It's been a very uneventful past few days. Just going to meetings, except for last night cuz I fell asleep, and trying to keep the Drunken Midgets in line. They spent yesterday cleaning up their room and helped me get the rest of the house picked up. They are getting really sick of each other and fighting more than usual. They kept waking me up last night with their arguing and I thought I was going to have to tie them up and lock them in the trunk of my car.

I found an awesome women's meeting on Tuesday nights. It was amazing and the women there were so kind and welcoming. Plus, it was a small group, which I liked. I picked up the book The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions and have been reading that. I finished both the Narcotics Anonymous book and the Alcoholics Anonymous book last week. And I'm also reading Happy Hours, which is about women alcoholics. It's an okay book, but not the best. Next I move on to Drinking: A Love Story, which looks very good. I figure if I immerse myself in recovery materials it will make it much easier to stay sober.

Tonight I have a meeting at Pax Christi, which is a pretty big group, but it's a good one. The girls are getting tired of me going to meetings every day, but if I don't put my recovery first I'll lose everything else anyway.

Other than that, not much going on. Just school and meetings, school and meetings. Not the most exciting life, but it's better than sitting around using all day for sure. I'm much happier now that I've found some good meetings and have a group of people that actually understands where I've been. I've always felt like an outsider, like I didn't belong anywhere, and now I have a group of people who know exactly what that is like, and I don't feel so defective anymore.

Well, I'm off to watch Angel.

Laters!

P.S. Much love to all my friends and blog buddies who have offered their support during this time. I'm so lucky to have all of you! Kisses to you all!

Stuck

noreply@blogspirit.com (Raven) — Sat, 11 Aug 2007 18:39:42 +0000

I forced myself to go to a meeting on Thursday. You have no idea how hard that was, it was a huge group and I didn't know anyone. But, it was a good meeting and I'm glad I went.

I feel like I'm stuck at a crossroads. I can go on living my life the way I have been and never get any better, just slip back into hell over and over again, or I can do something to change my life, work to better myself and grow as a person. I know what I want to do, but do I want it badly enough? Cuz it's going to take some hard work and I'll have to start making different choices, hard choices, and I'm having trouble moving forward. I'm just stuck here, looking at where I'm headed and wanting to change direction, but I can't seem to force myself to take action.

I mean, I've already taken some action. I went to AA and that was a big step. I didn't go to the liquor store last night like I desperately wanted to. That was a good choice. But, I need to do a whole lot more and I'm afraid. Very afraid. At least with the pain and shit that I've been going through it's familiar, I know what is what. But if I'm going to make fundamental changes in my life, that means facing the dreaded unknown and that is fucking scary.

It's been so much easier just to be stagnated and stuck hiding from the world. Or maybe it isn't easier. Maybe I'm just making things worse with my procrastination and avoidance. In fact, I'm sure I am but somehow it seems easier just to stay stuck. It's what I know.

But I'm so tired of being here, being stagnant. Though I couldn't admit it to msyelf for a long time, I'm miserable here and need to do something to change it. I'm tired of being alone and miserable and alienating the people around me. It's like I so much want someone to be there for me, but all I do is push them away.

But, I have to realize that change takes action. I'm used to just letting life happen to me and then dealing with whatever chaos it throws my way. That really fucking sucks. It's not the way I want to live anymore. At least that's what I keep telling myself in the hopes that I will finally get up and do something to change the way I live. I can talk about the changes I have to make all I want, but it doesn't do me any good if I choose to do nothing.

:::sigh:::

I just wish someone had a magic wand and could wave away all of my troubles. But, I have this feeling that isn't going to happen. Bummer dude. Does it ever get easier?

Well, I'm off to clean or read my Big Book or something.

Laters!

Still Alive

noreply@blogspirit.com (Raven) — Wed, 8 Aug 2007 10:35:34 +0000

I still haven't awarded the Creative Blogger Awards yet, but I promise you I have not forgotten about it. I've been going through some shit lately and coming to some realizations that are forcing me to make fundamental changes in my life. I'm tired of the bullshit and the lies and I'm coming to terms with a lot of things, bringing out into the light of day all those things that I've been hiding in the darkness of my soul for so long.

And it's going to take some work to implement these changes. A lot of work. Hard work. That's going to suck. I have a whole list of things I need to do to get my life back together and first two on the list are getting a therapist and starting AA.

The sad thing is that for a long time I had convinced myself I was better, that I didn't need therapy, and I could control my addiction. But recent events have revealed to me just how far I have to go. It's a lot farther than I thought.

:::sigh:::

But at least I'm not hiding from it anymore. That was getting me nowhere fast.

Now I just have to force myself to take action. The follow through has always been the hardest for me. So far I've looked up some AA groups in my area and made a few phone calls inquiring about them but I haven't been able to connect with anyone yet. I'm hoping to do that today. I think I'll attend a couple meetings a week for a while. Probably on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Or maybe Mondays and Thursdays. Something like that.

I don't want to be an addict anymore, damn it. I've been dealing with this since my teenage years and I'm sick of it. I wish it would just go away.

I know, that's never going to happen.

:::sigh:::

I've been drinking so much coffee lately I've practically been vibrating. I think I may have launched my atoms onto a whole new frequency. But I love my coffee, I can't live without it. And, weirdly enough, I've actually been sleeping better since I upped my caffeine intake. Go figure.

We had to take my cat in to have it shaved on Monday. That cost $233 when all was said and done. And that was the low estimate, at least it didn't cost $450 like they first estimated. She was so matted cuz she wouldn't let us brush her. She looks really funny right now. She's shaved all on her torso and back legs but not her head or front legs. And she's not nearly as fat as I thought, she just had a lot of fur.

Well, I'm off to do something.

Laters!

Chinese Astrology

noreply@blogspirit.com (Raven) — Sat, 28 Jul 2007 20:22:33 +0000

I am a Water Rat. This is what Chinese Astrology has to say about me...

The Year of the Rat

The year of the Rat on the whole is a prosperous and contented one. Business opportunities abound, and it can be a time for making fortunes. Although it is a good time to begin new ventures in the Rat year, caution must still be exercised and unnecessary risks avoided. Pursuit of leisure and social activities are also on focus this year, peppered perhaps with a little harmless squabbling. Free of catastrophic events unlike the Tiger or Dragon years, the year of the rat is a time to enjoy the peace, dust off your dancing shoes and enjoy yourself!

The Rat’s Personality

Mickey Mouse
Charming, with Fantastic appeal
Sociable, Popular, a party “A” Lister
Immensely Generous (only to those he is fond of)
Hard Working, Thrifty and Shrewd
Intuitive and level-headed
Rises to his best in a crisis
Efficient
Family orientated, a loving and supportive parent and spouse
Bright and intelligent, with a good memory
Resourceful

You Dirty Rat
Critical
A Gossip
Notorious Hoarder
Greedy
Penny-Pinching and mean
Over- ambitious and often over extends himself
Neighborhood Busybody
Slightly Indiscreet

Water Rat: 1912, 1972

“The Thinking Rat”
Intelligent and perceptive, this rat understands the intricacies of human nature which allows him to relate well people on all levels. Shrewd and cunning, he knows how to influence those in a position to help him, but at the same time is well respected and known for his accommodating, conservative nature. An instinctive writer, he is drawn to words and knowledge, and would do well if he learned not to get side-tracked quite so easily.

I never get over how eerily accurate these things are....